Here I am, a sum of the parts of the man I once was, in between, the man I am to be. In this moment of truth, in these fragments that fall creative and free, I am still somewhat me. Though these written words, sometimes construed, they are true, and they do carry me down this delightful path farther into the depths of me.
I’ve been thinking lately about the relationships that have grown on me, the ones I’ve yet to know, and those that have fallen away with time, with distance, and even those with the misunderstanding of youthful exuberance, but most importantly the misunderstood parts of me. All of these relationships have played an imperative role in my life, like water saturating the roots of a tree.
I try not to confuse happiness with sadness, nor with regret. As this only confuses the issue even more. After it is all said and done, whether his shoes, or her shoes, we all have our issues.
It is not the easiest thing to do at times, to not add to the confusion of the issues at hand. I’ll admit it. Though, I do not hold any regret that the uncertainty of things happened the way that they did, because it is the way things were meant to be.
I am more than aware, and I fully understand, that I did have a choice in all of the matters that make up the landscape of me with all of these trials and tribulations, so true. So I chose what I felt was needed to be felt, and I feel as though I acted as I should have acted in all the little moments that make up me.
And yes, maybe I believe in fate a little too much. Perhaps, I put too much pressure on the future, while still grasping at the purpose of my past.
It is more than likely not, or still even so, but insofar as I can tell, there have been actions as small as the slightest glance of an unknown smile, the delicate laugh of an upset child, or a fleeting thought upon such an event as monumental as my very own death, they have all pushed me in so many different directions, oh so intricately. But you must see, all of these instances have placed me perfectly right here, right now, in the awareness of my very own clarity.
There was no other way to get here. This meandering, erratic, and crooked path of creativity has actually been the straightest of lines through my own mind, as I took the plunge into the creative core of me.
Take away these thousands upon thousands of somewhat organized words, thoughts I once thought of as direction, on reflection, written with mistakes, sometimes poetic, even those with regret, and suddenly I am a different person with a different history, and an entirely different future.
Yet, to think like this takes away from said clarity. So I would have to hold myself steady with the heavy load of regret, because it would take away from where I am to be, that being here, in the now, and in the key of me. So instead, let us not think of such things.
Still here I still stand, so very thankful for the joys and sorrows throughout my life, because without them, it is here I might not be.
I am just as well blessed to know all of those I’ve known, and had the honor to meet, some mere acquaintances, some just passing by, and some, still the best of friends, and for those I’ve yet to meet, let us believe it’ll be so very sweet…
Yes it’s true, we never know what joy awaits with what tomorrow may bring, unless we believe that it does indeed wait for us somewhere upon the shores of believing in a better day—wholeheartedly.
But, we are only human, and the sorrows of our past sometimes get the best of the joy within us all, making it so much easier for us to fall. Yet still, we must remember to laugh and smile about it all, when rising back up, to stand so damn tall.
A man, who might be full of sadness and regret, who might not give a damn, or who might, just might, remember that a hopeful future is inevitable, and the past is nothing more than a bygone.
It is to realize this, wherein waits the happiness that comes with not knowing what tomorrow may bring. But tomorrow does not belong anywhere, if I’m not here, in this moment as we speak.
This is the meaning of my free. The freedom I have found in the creative, yet sometimes, choppy waves within my own deep blue sea. The freedom to feel what I feel when I feel it, and to write it down on paper. To be real and to stand up, somewhat haphazardly, yet with stability in a world where the illusion of normalcy is more often than not—awfully foggy.
Even still though, it is my pleasure to share with you what I believe, whether or not, it’s with me you might agree, nor what you might think of me. I am me and that’s all I can be. You are free to see me however it is you please.
And now, I see that every circumstance, every experience, whether good or bad, has led me, or will, lead me to where I need to be—at the very least—eventually. Every single victory, every little losing streak, and even, the humblest of mistaken identities, have all led me right here, to this creative edge of me.
So let us not be afraid to shake things up. And just as well, maybe go ahead and fucking jump, knowing we should not expect success, nor the awakening of our wildest dreams to come to reality overnight. What is meant to be will come to pass when the right moment comes. It always does.
For the best things in life only happen when we least expect them. The universe has her ways. And everything you could ever want, or have prayed for, will come to parade before you, if you would only allow it to, without expecting it to.
So go on ahead, get lost, and maybe get lost again. Harness the wild within, and find yourself again, then again, and quite possibly, again.
Work hard, heal harder, and don’t quit until you yourself are living the life you want to live, while being proud of who you are, in this now, and all the more presently, where love and light within forever beckon, all the while, Heaven waits so patiently.
And so it is now, this now is all there is, for in the moment is the only place we are truly meant to live.
So for now, if you would please pardon me, I have somewhere to be…