It’s been awhile since we’ve spoke beneath Your stars. I vaguely remember a few inebriated instances of pleas for forgiveness, but those moments aren’t much worth reminiscing over if I can’t very well remember them. I must confess the past month has been but a blistered blur on this path to freedom. One must plead forgiveness for his improper actions, but I think we are both working to clear that up on our respective ends. Well You and Your infinite nature probably don’t pay much worry to the same trivial ends as I, but either way I must thank you for seeing me through it all.
And even though I have been so very lost, the cycle of redemption shall soon come to bloom with the Spring of You. So allow me to be redeemed beneath Your infinite nature that sparkles above me as I speak with humility at Your mercy.
Banks Of The Deep End
I often feel as though I’ve reached that age at which I can sense the impulse of folly as it advances towards my thoughts. And instead of speaking with You when the direst of desire for some sort of external help reaches its boiling point within me, I, instead turned my drowning attention towards the depths of whatever bottle was around. And I now see that the gauze of booze does not help to heal the wounds of whatever it is one is suffering through, one would be none the wiser to go ahead and choose to hit the snooze on his wildest dreams.
And I feel as though these thoughts of mine that project sleepless patterns upon my night—the only thing I can do with them is stand on the edge of some eternal lake of fire within my mind and throw crumbs upon its surface and watch as the ideas come to feed like frenzied fish. But again I have come to find that by speaking with You before bed instead of my own madness, these waters upon my fiery lake settle smooth. So let us speak with the positive energy of Your delight for the remainder of this post.
You are the essence of the energy of my delight. Even through the darkest nights, when I would look for Your light, and I couldn’t find it, little did I know that I was the light. Maybe it was the darkness that couldn’t handle me. The external energy that I sought was not anywhere to be found except within me. This I now know.
Your Will has revealed every movement of my life, and I can either obey You or I can resist You, but I cannot know with clarity what I am doing without much grace. Therefore I pray to You, God, with every breath I take give me the grace to never refuse anything you ask, but to remain utterly lost in Your Will’s immense obscurity, doing not what my will wants for my own good, but giving myself to You which is really the only possible good, for myself and for all of humanity.
His Infinite Love
Nor do I want to demand that what I do should immediately show some sort of result that I can appreciate. Neither do I want to esteem anything that I do, or do anything because I think it will make something of me in this world—but to only do things for love and love alone. This is wherein the real obscurity hides, because the values loved by Your infinite love (the love so perfect that it is its own object) is absolutely incomprehensible to me. Therefore to live for love is to live in the delight of Your infinite energy.
I do not even need to know precisely what I am doing, except that I am glorifying the love of You. To act out of obedience to the rules within the community of cosmic love, which was built by Your grace in order to love You, is obviously why I must act for love and love alone. It is by following this rule that the world is saved.
And since I live for love, I will ask for no reward, only more love. Your love is infinite, as it scatters through the night sky above me and I reminisce upon a verse from Your Book.
“Seek Him who made the seven stars and Orion, who turns midnight into dawn and darkens day into night, who calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out over the face of the land—the light of the world is His name.”
It is true that when we seek You, we seek the Creator of all things. You are all powerful, controlling both day and night. And when within me, I was swimming in a sea of doubt; you tipped me over and from me that doubt spilled away.
So I thank you for drowning my doubt in the positive force of all that You delight. I believe that this may have been Your plan all along to see the truth of where I truly stand, but then again, I cannot try and fathom Your masterplan without letting my expectation get in the way so let us just attack today with Your energy at my side.
In closing, there is no delightful energy when conflict and argument arise within your own mind. All this inner-divergence amounts to is more resistance and turmoil in both the inlying and outlying environments of your very own life.
It is instead that we should practice prayer purposefully and in the silence of prayer one will find peace by listening to the silence of your mind. But some choose instead to argue with the madness that will often leave one bellied up with a bottle, only to ask the devil to soon step outside and handle this deviance like cursed men. And even if one wins the argument with his very own devil, there is still no peace, for arguments are never won—they are perpetual.
When all you want is peace and love, one must have faith in the obscure realm of God’s Will, this is where the energy from within glows with delight and its positive nature realigns the heart with the head and God’s love will fill up and pour from the depths of your soul. Delighting in God’s work leads us to delight in God, and delight in God drives away fear.