Wrestling Fear

As far as I’ve come, You and I both knew that at some point I was bound to stumble.

Yet aren’t You the one whom placed the root of this tree here upon where I slipped?  And are you not also the one who placed this limb behind me—that as I fell backwards—allowed my clasping hands to save me from tumbling?

And yes, I do understand that I’m the one at fault for allowing external distractions to consume my curiosity, instead of staying the course.  And it is of great regret that I let the presence of You escape me so this ego of mine could “mind its head.”

And yes when the demons came knocking at the door—I was the one who let them in, because every once in awhile loneliness does creep within the shadows of my sanctity.  Such is human nature, I should suppose with sentimental value.

So in my ignorance could You please pardon my negligent behavior?  And I know you had a Hand in helping me give those demons the boot as Your presence restructured the distracted recreations of my mind and once again I’m glad to feel You take root.  So allow me to thank You for being You.

When the grind gets the best of my mind, my whole being comes to be exhausted.  Then comes the adrenaline churning similar to an undertow of fear.  Meanwhile the demons strong-arm my weakened soul out of the way, searching high and low for somewhere to go.

But if I believe, and seek the Spirit, again I see You move Your mysterious ways.  And together as we ascend this mountain of my mind—things shall become clearer as the fog of this wilderness lifts on through.

So now as my soul and You have taken back the reigns and have carried me home safe and sound, my feet they fall from shaky ground, and upon your garden bed I read and this is what I found.

“And not holding fast to the Head, from whom the whole body, nourished and knit together through its joints and ligaments, grows with a growth that is from God.”

Colossians 2 : 19

My whole being breathes in a wind that wraps around my head, moving through my limbs and I fall silent within my heart.  My hand is on a door, which leads beyond.  The door swings open to an ocean of darkness layered with the light of prayer.

Is this how I come to be—this way—my simple instance of death.  I expect at any moment this starlit sky above so clear shall deliver a bolt of lightning upon my being. And are You to open a door upon this boundless wilderness and set these feet upon a ladder, reaching for the moon, and take me out upon Your stars?

Far above me I see the calming sky open up to a warming distance—the sun it seeks to kiss the horizon—waking me from my stumbled slumber.

I feel the aggravation of anxiety escape my being, bound for its own isolation.  It is the man that fears to be alone, who will never be a thing but lonely.  But the man who learns—through recollection and seclusion—to be truly at peace knows no loneliness.

I do prefer the hidden reality of You upon this four-cornered room of my mind these days.  It is true that this relationship between You and I thrives in these silent conversations held within this Calvary of mine.   It is in its stillness where the questions I have long sought, are being answered through the Spirit passing through.  And now I know there is no such thing as fear when listening deeply for wisdom within You.

So allow me to cast out is this fear.  Fear, it squeezes the life out of Your love, narrowing the hallways that lead to my own heart.  It takes from the power I should give myself through You and it withers away at my capacity to truly Love through You.  So I beg for Your mercy, and to please, so soon shall you shake me of this fear.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.

Matthew 6 : 34

You are the Tree and I am but a seed fallen from You, and yes I am happy to be growing in Your light.  But You and I both know tomorrow marks two years to the day that You pointed this pen between my fingers in the direction of You—but let us not speak so fearless yet.

I do know it is within the ambiguities of “doing good” that I must have You and myself wholeheartedly convinced of my own uprightness and goodness.  So please let’s You and I continue this work on winning the war within myself before all else.

And just as the sun rose beautiful on the Second day ever, the sun with it’s stunning light peaks through.  I take my eyes off the past and bend my hopes and dreams towards today.  A smile You created dawns on me, and as a wolf howls distant—once again I have found peace in Your presence. And let it be noted that I can’t thank You enough for all that You do.

-BeLove


My roots are buried in the Dirty South. I grew up learning the importance of God and Southern Charm. I began writing in my late teens mostly through heartbreak and music. I moved out west 15 years ago and live right around the corner from the Fountain Of Youth. Most people refer to it as Lake Tahoe. I play Chef during the day and search for ways to save the world by night, through reading, writing, and believing. I enjoy the side of life that is less abrasive. I look forward to joining you on my quest through Spiritual Sobriety with the Promised Land as our ultimate destination.

2 Comment on “Wrestling Fear

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: