“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
It is considered a rule to stray away from the over-populated presence of a cliché when writing. It must be noted that I have never been the type of person that easily conforms to the authoritative shape of things. This cliché is one that is often used when stuck in a moment of duress carrying either an inward or outward manner of negative matter. It was Neitzsche that coined this so-called cliché dipped in philosophical sugar. Ultimately it was Neitzsche who found a case of Syphilis in his later years. This took a great toll on his mind and body, which eventually killed him. After his death his work was warped and wrapped into the repulsive propaganda of Nazi Germany. We will not hold Neitzsche responsible for the evilistic empire that whitewashed common knowledge for an evil and despotic agenda.
Change is habitually referred to as a difference in certain state of affairs at different points in time. Change has been so overanalyzed with a thousand and one different theoretical approaches that it cannot be nailed down by the hammer of thought because it is a perpetual force that constantly changes. Go figure, right. Change is in fact, a nonstatic entity that proves how powerful it is by exerting its elasticity through momentum.
This is one of the reasons why I have become so enveloped in seeing myself through the inward developments that are evolving within me. This is why I have clawed through this so-called crisis with the purpose of becoming a better person. Change is as deep as an ancient river and as beautiful as the morning sun peeking over a snow-capped mountain. Change is inevitable, change is the nature of thought and thought is the spark that lights the way for creative process. We are in a continuous state of change and we can change the shape of the future by creating the world in which we live.
It is often in the deepest depths of despair when the light of love’s progression shines brightest through the crack of wretchedness. Then come joy and gladness, making their presence felt with more resolve than ever before. I must admit that it is hard to see virtue in the ability to stand up to the onslaught of life but once we have weathered the storm it becomes easier to accept the transition of suffering and grow into the warriors of hope and redemption that awaits us within an alleviated moment branded by felix culpa.
Felix culpa is an expression of Latin origin that translates to “fortunate fall”. With change having its roots in felix culpa one can begin to understand that change is paradoxical in nature because it takes an unfortunate event and spins it around until all that is left are the fortunate consequences that were overshadowed by misfortune. The concept of felix culpa is rooted in the redemption of humanity through resurrection. It is at the center of reason in the continuous battle of good and evil. Felix culpa is as attendant upon individualistic nature as it is identical to that of universalistic tendency. One must understand the delicate touch that the winds of change grace us all with at the heights of crisis and what it takes to once again find the finesse that follows each and every event that affects us in one way or the other.
Each and every one of us manufacture our own mess but it is in our ability to keep it together that makes us all so beautiful in our own little mechanical way. I have already manufactured my own mess that I hope will create a ripple of love across a pond called the universe and leave a scar of hope on each and every one of you.
My mess, in reality, began during the turbulence of adolescence. It all started when I first felt the bliss of love, and intensified when that love found itself lost. Before the great unknown called heartbreak, I was an above average student advancing steadily faster than those on my same level. Then came heartbreak followed by the glory years of bad decision-making that shadowed the limitless search of never-ending bliss through the choice of partaking in the mind-expanding substance of love.
As soon as I first felt the splintering pain of a puppy love lost, I jumped. I jumped right into the deepest of ends of the river called youth—without any hesitation as to what the causes may have been from the effects of my decision. I turned my head in the opposite direction of authority while staring freedom in the face. In the symbolic sense of my own written accord—I blazed my own trail up the mountain of life and I’ve done it with love in mind ever since. At some point though a crisis arises that puts everything we have ever believed on the back burner of life, we should be fortunate enough to have the wolf awakened within us all.
Most recently there was an event that has been significant in the shape of who I am. It is where the inspiration for the title of this particular post spawned. It is the catalyst that finally changed me. It all happened in August of 2016. I was the Executive Chef of a dilapidated casino in Northern Nevada. Life was good; my marriage was in somewhat good working condition, bills were payed and money was being saved. Then one Friday afternoon—it was the first Friday night I had off in a long time—I got off of work and went to pick my son up from daycare only to find that in the care of another, his leg had been broken.
Now I know that this doesn’t seem like a significant trauma and while it isn’t for me, it broke my heart to see him in such agonizing pain at a mere two and a half years old. My heart was so heavy and distraught that it erased the scars from the past events that had been significant in the shaping of who I was. It beat me down to my core and I felt guilty because before this moment I hadn’t been present really at all in his life. It was in this moment that I first learned the true meaning of love. Before this event, I was always working—in the ballpark of 60 plus hours a week and if I wasn’t working I was in the bar, shedding the leftover adrenaline and anxiety from the capacities of my own self-worth. I wasn’t a good father by those standards set in place by societal influence or I just wasn’t aware of how deeply I loved my son.
Shortly after this happened, I quit my job and took one that hardened the ease of financial stability. It is a job that allows me the ability to spend quality time with him each and every day. I took to my passion of writing again, something that hadn’t accompanied me since my youth. I guess all in all, it has been a blessing that stems from the smallest amount of suffering that has coerced me back onto the train of purpose and given me the confidence to believe in myself again.
It must also be noted that there was another significant event that occurred last November that has made its presence felt on a universal scale. This event is as polarizing as it is paradoxical. This event is not something that I am going to dive into today, because today doesn’t feel like a day that wants to dress itself up in the bullshit of politics. I have instead chosen to wear my optimistic clothes and dress myself in the evidence of rational thought. This event is something that damn near drove me to the brink of insanity a year ago, along with some other self-critical thoughts. Now I understand though that I am not the one that is insane, it is just the exuberance of the herd that has lost its grip on the ethical stance of reality. This is another reason why I suddenly changed my entire thought process and allowed the wisdom within the wilderness of me to take over my being. It is the catalyst that sparked the change in my heart and it will cauterize within yours as well, this much I can promise.
It was exactly a year ago when I was stuck in a phase of fear and my wife told me that if it bothered me so much then do something about it. It was fifteen minutes later that I picked up this pen with the intention of doing something about it. A year later—what didn’t kill me has only made me stronger and with every breath I take and every word I write I become more of who I am supposed to be.
In retrospect, I now understand the importance of felix culpa and the fact that maybe things really do happen for a reason and that reason typically involves us becoming more aware of ourselves and our own boundaries or lack thereof. There is a solution that must be applied to the topical substances that coerce humanity into the corner of fear, and it must be applied thrice daily in the area of change and new beginnings built on the foundation of forgiveness and love.
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.